October 05, 2012

I'm Still Alive

Initial: 266
Three Weeks Ago: 242.0
This Week: 242.0
Change: 0
Overall: -24

It's been awhile.

I kind of don't want to blog right now, but I decided that it would be beneficial instead of just hiding in the shadows.

According to my weight stats, I didn't lose any weight these last three weeks. That's not exactly correct, though. Two weeks ago, I weighed 238. Over the last two weeks, my diet went to shit and gained four pounds back.

I'm not really upset about that. It was to be expected. As always, it's never too late to get on the bandwagon again. I had a stern talking to myself, and I know by next week I'll start losing again.

I've been slacking on my personal training sessions. That main reason is because my new trainer doesn't make it any fun. I told him at my last session that he makes me not want to come back. All he makes me do is squats, and while I understand it's beneficial to my ultimate goal (which is to become a runner), it's incredibly intense and incredibly tedious. The Rock N Roll marathon is coming up soon, and I told him that it doesn't matter to me whether I finish it or not. It's just a stepping stone to my ultimate goal.

Hopefully, we can work something out.

On more personal news, the reason why I haven't blogged in three weeks is due to shit hitting the fan.

I officially withdrew from all of my classes for the semester. I couldn't keep up. I missed so many classes, and there was no way I was going to be able to pass.

The main reason is work. I need to work to survive, as I don't have any reliable adults I can lean on for support. I just found out my parents are probably back into drugs/stealing, and my grandma's house is all filled up. Any other relatives that might be able to lend a helping hand live too far, and I can't leave San Antonio if I want to keep my degree. So, I need to work, and I need to work full time.

Working full time and school don't mesh too well. I've been working since I was 16, and even when I first started college, I was working over 30 hours a week. Now that I'm officially working a full time job, it's been so stressful. I think all the previous years of school and work are just catching up with me as well. I'm just so freakin' tired. Getting out of work at midnight and waking up at 7am the next morning for school is incredibly tiring on both my mind and body. I need a break.

So, I'll start up again next semester. I'm sure I pushed my graduation out another six months, simply because of the classes I need to take and the way their scheduled, but that doesn't matter anymore. Getting to graduation without having a mental breakdown is my main concern.

Also, the news about my parents hit me hard. I won't go into any details because that's a can of worms I refuse to open on here, but let's just say I moved out of their house for a reason. It's mostly my step-mom, but my dad is a fully grown adult and can make his own decisions, whether he chooses to or not. They were detrimental to my health, and when I moved out, I found that it improved our relationship. But I was also left out of the dark of what they were doing on a normal basis. Now, with this news from other relatives of mine, I have no idea what to do to help them, simply because they will refuse to admit they're doing anything wrong until they die.

I have a feeling I won't have parents for very long. I hope I'm wrong.

Anyway, sorry for getting all personal and all the jazz. I just need somewhere to vent. I'm pretty much alone in all of this, and dealing with all these things is pretty hard. The only thing I can do is push forward and build a positive future for myself.


  1. Awww Ashlee. I am sory you are having a rough time right now. Glad you were able to objectively look at your goals and what is best for your health right now. Hang in there.

  2. you are not defined by your history. After your much needed break, you will soar! I love how blogging helps sort out our feelings. It always helps me see that I can only control myself and have to let the rest go. Good luck!

  3. oh man, i'm sorry to hear that girl. you will get back to school. i know it. hang in there. and you know you can call/txt me any time if you need anything. maybe we should just walk around the streets for exercise if you want to talk. i'm here for you, girl!

  4. So sorry to hear about your struggles. We're here for you. Hang in there.

  5. You can get personal any time you need to. I'm so sorry to hear all that news. I know you can do it though, and you are hanging in there so great. Any time you need us, we are here!!!